11th Floor

Indecision2008 Post...NOT!

2008-04-28T16:21:00.001-07:00

Here is a post I wrote (Tilly & Megan & P Downs helped) that will be an 11th foor jokes exclusive! (aka it was rejected by the upstairs...)

*****

Whoa, did you hear? Craig Kilborn convinced Hillary and Barack's bookers that he was still on the Daily Show and scheduled them to tape an interview "via satellite" from his apartment in Jersey City at the same time! When they arrived he locked them in with nothing but a fifth of Jack and wouldn't let them leave until they all got hammered together! Right before he asked them five questions he accidentally pocket called me! What luck!

I transcribed what I heard for your pleasure.

Craig Kilborn: You were a wife...now you want to be President. What would you do after that?
Hillary Clinton: I want to invent a new ice cream brand that is basically different candy bars mixed into ice creams - but like, candy bars that aren't already in ice creams, like Take 5 bars or red velvet cupcakes mixed into French vanilla ice cream.

CK: What's Bill like? What's Bill like?
HC: Bill Clinton's like...an owl! How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop...one, two, crunch! Three! I love that dude.

CK: Does Chelsea still enjoy ballet?
HC: I don't know...let's check her tumblr.

CK: What's your favorite meal?
HC: Nectarines. No! Cinnamon rolls! Cinnamon rolls.

CK: You gonna win this thing?
HC: (Deep sigh)..... Did you ever see Ben Stiller in the movie Heavyweights? He went on to make millions of dollars. I am Mohammad Ali!

Craig Kilborn: Barack - what would you like me to ask you?
Barack Obama: Yo Craig - you ever carried three babies at one time before? It's hard - it's hard because, you gotta cradle all their necks - but you've only got two hands. Not sure...not sure why I just thought about that...

CK: Well, what's...your favorite movie?
BO: To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar. Well, actually anything with Alfred Molina. Wait, wait -- Singles. Final answer. (Hillary giggles)
HC: Barack, you are funny.

CK: Do you know how to change a tire?
BO: (Silence)
CK: Get it? Change...
BO: Really man?
CK: I'm...sorry...somebody else wrote that...I think...

CK: Does Michelle cook, you know, cook good?
BO: (Mocking voice) Does Michelle cook good? Do you think Conan's prettier than me? Do you like my Ikea couch? (Laughs heartily) Hillary, are you hearing this?

CK: I'll...I'll vote for you.
BO: That's not a question, man! Craig! Wake up! Wake the f**k up! What's your Mom's phone number?
CK: Why...
BO: You know why!

I hung out with Ben on Saturday

2008-04-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

Long Description: I hung out with Ben on Saturday at the Delancey.
Short Description: Ben and I hung out.
Tags: lucia, ben, drinking, truthiness, friends, drugs, drinking, stereotypes
Keywords: Lucia, Ben, drinking, truthiness, friends, drugs, drinking, stereotypes, the delancey, jordan, ethnic, roof, blazer, new york city, lower east side, pact, kilborn, geoff, stephanie, megan, play, wine, beer, match maker, cheeseburger, death, lauren, birthday, st. ann's

"I'm Bored"

2008-04-07T14:25:00.000-07:00

Lindsay had a fun going away karaoke party, right guys? Geoff and Dan sang their hearts out, while Lucia, Ben and I went on a four-hour liquor run in the rain. I think Megan was probably doing drugs somewhere in Queens. That girl is always trippin.' Am I right? Anyways, Lucia and I watched Lindsay perform Garth Brooks' "I Got Friends in Low Places."
Lucia wrapped it up perfectly in an email to Lindsay:

it's your going away karaoke party. 50 (maybe more) people are all crammed into a private karaoke room that can only be described as a cross between soviet russia and a butthole. you stand up to sing a song in front of all your co-workers who have all gathered to celebrate you and in the middle of the song you say into the microphone, 'i'm bored.'

2008-04-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend was in L.A. this weekend and I was just talking about how I had so much fun all weekend and how I partied a bunch, etc etc. Then I got a voicemail from him saying he was on his way back and I said to Stephanie, "Daddy's coming home!" and she said, "Look who's in love all over again", Jeanane Garofalo-style. What a bitch.

Waiting to Exhale

2008-03-23T14:51:00.000-07:00

I've been looking for this forever. I had forgotten how good things could get.

Your Boyfriend has Hooks for Hands

2008-03-19T12:12:00.001-07:00

Who put this on my computer?

A Brief History

2008-03-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

"Looks like the bitch is fucked. Looks like we're gonna have to unfuck the bitch."

"I'm on a sea food diet. If I see food, I buy it."

"Dave Turn'n'Cough"

"Women love food so much, they hate you when you ain't got none -- ya heard?"

"So I'm married, but I'd really rather not be."

"Italian guys, they have goomatta, but I'm Jewish -- I want a goomatzoh!"

"When I get nervous and sad at the same time, I just start texting!"

"I'll be right back, im looking for a place for me and Geoff to hang out. It's a hang scout."

"No prob. I'll just rip a goog."

"Geoff's Aunt Audrey."

"Paris Faggerty."

"Dave Shit'n'Fart."

"Luc, you look good but you'd look better with a big ol' sac a nuts hangin down between your legs."

"The other day I had some chocolate covered broccoli -- minus the broccoli." - Lucia's fat-ass

"Dave Short'n'Fat."

"What party?"

"Was that your phone or was that your butt?"
"That was my butt-phone."

"Should I tag 'balls' if he doesn't say 'balls' but has balls?"

"Don't yell at me -- it makes me hungry." - Lucia the Hut

"So now it's kinda like a double thing."

"Dave before yesterday."

"total hate snug"

"Do you even have balls? You couldn't knock me up, stupid!" - Tilly

"He went to college" -- Tilly on an audience member of Comic Justice

"What an asshole with nuts hangin out the back." -- Dan Klein on Ben Felton

"Dude, he's got 3 g-chats up for the peepin!"

"Oh my god, you guys -- we've got to help him."

"Not good enough!!!"

"Hey guys....yesterday, my friend Arthur ate 4 Big Macs!"

"I guess this world isn't all barbeques and blow jobs." -- Ben Felton on the tumultuous nature of his year

"Sex is love. So FUCK EVERYTHING!!!"

"Tilly-toes and Gigglepuss!"

"What are you rolling your eyes at? A monkey is way better than some ganky ass yellow face." - Tilly

"I like your dress, where'd you get it?" "Don't worry about it" - L & T